Monday, December 28, 2009
Am counting down. Can't wait. :)
shockerdelic last night. but i'm fine with it.:)
Even more shockerdelic the night before. Just wondering, if 4 people collectively concur that a person is drunk is the person drunk or not? By the by, there will only 5. And if the 师傅who has been giving the right teachings all these while instructs his student to do something, will the student dutifully listen, after assessing and deciding for his/her own that it's the right thing to do too? For me I would, and I did. One thing for sure, I am very thankful for having someone around who guided me and taught me how to take care of people, because I sure as hell didn't know how to. So of course, I think he does a better job than me, because for goodness sake, I learnt almost EVERYTHING from him.
So, I want to thank him for the many times he has offered his help when I was desperate and at a loss about what to do. So it doesn't matter if some people think that I shouldn't even thank him and I'm being 'I hate you. stop causing so much hurt in my life.' at for that.I'll still thank him regardless.
And I made my way to Windows because I wanted to try the Nutty Black Irishman. Imagine how I felt when i finished less than half, and was watching soccer (Stoke vs Liverpool), when I lifted my cup up and realised there was zilch left. Yeah, I never did say how much I wanted to try it because I didn't think there'll be a need to say this kinda things because I didn't think this kinda things would happen.
RAWRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHH monday blues.
Anyway.
I think i'm happy, but i think i'm freaking out. O.O Just a tad bit.
can't waitttt!so excitinggg.
and James is so very asking for trouble by putting that post up on my fb. Now I'm being asked what SH bf OMG...
iFLEW @ 10:24:00 AM
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas everyone!:)
Time goes by pretty fast, before you know it it's the month of December and we're approaching the end of 2009. It's not the first Christmas I'm spending away from home, my first was when i was 11. Nevertheless, it's a whole new different feeling to spend Christmas at work (Yes, Shanghai here is not a public holiday), while the rest of your mates are all busy snoozing till late. Am I jealous?haha perhaps a tinsy bit, but it's all about perception anyway.:) Even though it isn't a holiday here, it felt like one, especially when last night was the night i FINISHED MY PAPERS!!! (Yes, I have a paper on Christmas Eve day. O.O) Frankly, I didn't feel compelled at all to study, and neither was I motivated, because I didn't really know how to study for it anyway, because the paper was a marketing one, and frankly, with time, perhaps the idea of marketing can no longer be fixed. To put it simply, marketing isn't something that has a hard and fast rule, it's all about innovation, innovation and innovation, showered with dozens and dozens of creativity that has the 'oomph!' in the 'oomph', the 'wow' in people's minds. And no, it's not advertising. Marketing is never about advertising.
Before I rant on about my idea of marketing..There aren't much christmas lightings here, and it's pretty quiet, because they don't celebrate Christmas, but nevertheless last night was good, we played with those tin cans of fake snow and started spraying each other at home, only to stop after awhile because it's such a hassle to clean up the house. O.O And then I got to catch Jennifer's Body! Which, er. Well, I expected better I guess.
And today's 25th, meaning in 6 days time, 'Desmond Sum' is heading back to Singapore. :( Some have already left, such as Ryan and Panda, feels kinda quiet nowadays, but the new batch will be coming so perhaps it won't be that bad. Will be staying over at his place tonight to prepare the food for tomorrow's party I wonder how the food's going to be like. O.O
Looking back, I left the two Christmas hats that Nic gave to me 2 years back at home. Last year, I remembered telling myself that shucks we didn't get to wear it out last year, and maybe for the year of 2009 we'll do just that for Christmas, but I guess that's not going to happen ever anyway.
Mummy just came and left, it felt really wonderful, and I brought her to Hangzhou.but it was really unfortunate that the temperature dropped drastically when she came over so we couldnt visit a lot of places. Between place to place we had to look for places to warm ourselves up. but it was incredibly memorable. Just wished that she could stay longer. Somehow, I don't think I can ever forget how I felt on the 13th July, and now, the day that she returned to Singapore too. Missing the food and the people back in rainy warm Singapore, but Shanghai has its plus too. Hope you guys love the postcards I sent over!:) NEXT POST COMING SOON! -ayes but not like anyone reads my blog entries anyway.O.O hahaha. Just realised that I didn't send back any Christmas presents either but but, I received some. and i LOVE it!:) and the many postcards that you peeps send over, it always puts a smile on my face when I receive them. Just realised after last night that chocolate still remains my staple food when I'm studying.
AWAITING MORE VISITORS TO COME!! :) It's just so endearing and heartwarming to know that people are coming to visit you.:) And the emails that I receive, many thanks. and i love mail surprises!:)
I met a very inspiring person from Temasek recently, and had a dinner with him. He surfaced many topics which have always been circulating in the back of my mind, and those of which may possibly be anyone's reasons to their take in their course of lives. A quintessential take-home point, is to think about what constitutes a meaningful life to you. As far as I know, every person most definitely should differ in one way or another in their perspective towards this. Another interesting point he raised was about job satisfaction, which has a significant connection towards work environment. Employees' morales will only be boosted when their personal values are in line with the company's objectives and management decisions. He gave me a challenge, which was to not study for the paper tomorrow and just take it. Pretty cool person.:)
and, it's so exciting I can't wait to fly back to Sg and it's going to be soon!:) So hahah don't forget to ask me when and ask me out. ;)
'Don't mind criticism. If it is untrue, disregard it; if unfair, keep from irritation; if it is ignorant, smile; if it is justified, it is not criticism - learn from it.'
iFLEW @ 11:45:00 AM
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Halloween was just over.
Life is quite a funny thing really. i never did expect myself to meet 'Desmond Sum'-.- in SH, much less hit clubs and have dinners. but he was a real great person to hang out w and thank goodness for him, hitting clubs after zapatas aka chappati was not a complete waste of time. love the flowers he gave me it was really nice.:)
With all that happens around me, and all that happened last night, i guess i felt that same feeling of taking care of the people around me. and with all that roomie said last night, it's even worse because she did it so that i'll be safe. but downing more wouldn't really affect me honestly.
for the many times i've said i'm okay, i'm not lying.
and it was 6 in approx half hour. that knock me down.
for the sanity of me, and the people around me. i've always said that. perhaps, that's why thurs was such a mistake. i'd have preferred things to be back to what it was before. not knowing.
i've affected the person who's e closest to me now in SH.
and right now,i'm seeing all the effects that i triggered off.
it's painful, and i need to dance it off.
iFLEW @ 4:56:00 PM
Friday, October 30, 2009
It has been eternity since I've been here. Feels kinda weird. I even forgot my password to it. -.-
And I have no idea what made me think about here, or what made me come back here.
okays so apparently 6 shots of absolut vodka is not good for health. LOL.
workkk!
iFLEW @ 9:25:00 AM
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
serx said to me,
"至少你知道，when he loved you, he really really did love you.
you're very strong but you keep a lot of things inside. i never doubted how you truly feel for him, and you really really did love him.
it was just the wrong place, wrong time. "
at least i know how it feels like to really love someone with all your heart like you never ever did, but yet lack the capacity to express how you feel.
at least i loved like i never did before, felt something that i've never felt before.
perhaps if he didn't move on, things would be a lot better now. perhaps if i wasn't so busy, things wouldn't be the way they are now. there are so many perhaps,
but i have forgotten, that time waits for no one.the me-to-you bear which i've put on my table from the first valentine's day gift back in 2006, that never left my table since then. the gold mini photo frame i looked at ever so often if i was distracted from studying, or needed a source of comfort. that longing throughout the year for the holidays to come to spend the holidays the way i wanted it to be, and that promise which i held on so tightly to.
i guess this is really goodbye.
i love you, ouyang hongyi.
iFLEW @ 9:22:00 PM
here we go again.
for the don't know how many time + 1 row.
they asked me why am i holding on when he's already decided to move on without telling me 2-3 months ago. they asked me why am i holding on when all he's waiting for is for her to be ready to commit. they asked me why am i holding on, when the most honest guy they've ever known, has been lying for so long.
and they asked me why am i letting the days i have left here be passing by like this.
i don't know, i can't answer, and i'm literally, and mentally drained.
perhaps i'm still waiting for the person i loved three years back to come back to me.
or are these times just to humour me.
but i don't think i can take this humour, it feels like it's back to school term, just even more tiring.
i wish i can put an end to this, and just accept his decision, although it seems quite clear to everyone where his heart lies, and they say i'm just in self-denial.
too tired.really too tired.
iFLEW @ 7:39:00 AM
Monday, June 01, 2009
how do i battle fairly on an uneven ground?
when its your smses he's not replying, when he asks for space to settle down,
and you don't know if he's contacting her.
or rather that you know,but you don't wish to face.the don't know how many time in a row.
off to the doctor.
fatigue.
iFLEW @ 11:13:00 AM
Sunday, May 31, 2009
i remember the times when i had to make the decision of whether to stay in hall or not, and whether it will be the better choice for me to stop myself from feeling so tired, because it would reduce the chances i get to meet my family and him.
i remember the times when i kept hoping and hoping there wouldn't be any meetings on saturday at all.hahaha. after all, i have meetings on weekdays already..
and i remember the times when there was no weekend meetings, and i was in hall, i would wake up and see his back facing me, him sitting in front of my laptop, and i would smile to myself, knowing that everything was alright, and i would doze back off to sleep, back to all my dreams.
and then there were the many times when i battled with myself if it was right that i should show how i really feel, when i am unable to provide him what a girlfriend should provide, and whether it was fair to him if he hangs on, when i don't have sufficient time to care for him like how i should, or how i used to be able to do.
and the many calls i'd make to mummy, mummy asking me how is he doing, and her answering my doubts about whether he'll wait. and the every time i asked, she'd convince me and say don't worry if he said he'll wait for you, knowing his personality, he'd wait. you just wait for the holidays to come, and you will have the time to meet up with him. i also remember when she said that he's so understanding when i'd come back to go out with the family instead of him because they missed me going out all together as a family, and missed the dinners i used to come back for. how okay he was with me not being free on sunday, as everyone emphasized the importance of every single person's presence during our weekly sunday badminton. after all, it was the only time when we would get all together, along with my uncle's side. and when yee han asks if i'm free to attend any function or meetings on sunday, i would say it's family day. weirdly, this was the first relationship which i actually talked so much to mummy about, and she'd reassure me time after time. it was also the first time i really revealed that much to her, because talking about my personal life and saying what i really feel has always been an issue, that b. mok knows too.
b mok's suggestion of a method to solve my issue of me being tight-lipped about my feelings was to use a knife and cut my wrist or sth to feel the pain and perhaps then, i might complain about the pain. but then i got to thinking, and i realised, back when i tore my right ankle ligament, i don't think i actually did cry. the only reason when i did cry was when the doctor told me i was not allowed to exercise at all for 6 months, and the possibility of missing the season altogether. so i guess its not physical pain that i can't tolerate.
i also remember that very time when i logged on to my email, and saw that i was accepted for the programme. lying back on his thighs, telling serx on the phone that i was accepted, how i started tearing instantaneously when i looked at him, and the things that i was going to have to miss when i'm not around. and how i really wanted to drop out of the entire program.
then i'd talked to yee han, and ask him how did he manage with the program, and whether were there couples who managed to persevere through, and he'd tell me the legendary story of wen han. and i'd tell myself that i most definitely can do what wen han did, and i most definitely will be a lot more free than this whole period, to call up every day. what's more, there's no time difference as compared to wen han, who was in SV.
and the times when wei hui would come and stay over and we would chat about many many things. how lost i was about what was going on between us, how mad my timetable was, how desperate i was for time to cope with my studies to bring my cap back up, how i was sleeping only a couple of hours and getting back to work over and over again and how i was waiting for the holidays to work on everything else. she was always reassuring me that everything would be fine, and so was i reassuring her.
the times, when i wasn't having anything else, how i was crazily trying to catch up with all my studying, and if he was beside me, as usual, i would be having difficulties staying undistracted.
the times when he was the first person i call to tell him my results, and how i should keep improving as it just wasn't good enough.
the time when i went to kuching, how me and mummy were looking around so hard to bring back something for him, and all we found was white pepper. which i asked mummy and of course, we both burst out laughing at the insanity of that being a gift.
not to mention, during lectures, if i wasn't crazily copying all the answers for the homework to be due at 5pm because i would have no idea how to do it, or trying like mad to catch what the dumb ass ttc was saying, OR dozing off to sleep, i'd be planning the many things i wished to do together for the holidays before i had to leave, or i'd be fiddling with the necklace i always wear around my neck, and of course the phone, kept silent in my bag, ringing incessantly with calls about finance matters, to the point that often, i dread taking it out after lectures as that would mean that i have to get back to all of them, and that would take like forever. and when i read his smses about him doing things at work and having events or joining the team for trainings, i would be relieved that he was doing fine and enjoying himself at work.
and all through the semester, i would be planning and planning in my mind for the perfect holiday and the perfect way to spend my semester break with him, and hopefully be able to surprise him with all the things i really wanted to do. i guess that was my way of forgetting everything else that was happening in my life, forgetting about all the to-dos on my to-do list. it wouldn't be town all the time, shopping all the time. nono. the plans of going to east coast park to just lie back and look at the stars, the plans of going to hortpark, to the top at night and just enjoy the cool wind and the view and just chat throughout the night,the plans of going to sentosa for a lazy sun tan day and learn more about how to play vball, and the plans to do overnight cycling, or a cycling day around the whole of singapore to test out my cycling skills, maybe a backpacking trip or just a trip to m'sia, prata at thomson road's prata house, crab bee hoon at amk ave 3, satay bee hoon and char kway teow at tanjong pagar, and peanut pancake from mr bean which he loves to eat. a day of movie after movie after movie at home, just slacking around. and then maybe a day or two in town just to watch some movies, and do a little bit of shopping.
but i guess i have to come to terms that all the plans i've been making throughout the sem can't materialize.
how it hurt that all the smses i received may not be true.
how it hurt that all the times he said he still feels the same way and there was no one else in his mind wasn't real.
that there was no one besides my family i really wanted to celebrate with when i got my results.
and that all these were just....nothing.
mummy hugged me tight at the badminton court last sunday, and dried my tears as they rolled down.
iFLEW @ 4:33:00 PM
a quote i heard:a person is not defined by the labels or brands on the clothes, nor the clothes that one wears.
a person is defined by one's code of conduct in life.
hijack me back to the times when brands didn't matter.
iFLEW @ 2:47:00 AM
